When I was student, my room in my flat in Birmingham was above a railway line and the house jiggled vigorously like a cocktail shaker, every fifteen minutes. My damp attic bedroom walls were such a paradise for mould that penicillin could have been farmed commercially. Which was just as well, as I had a permanent sore throat during the winter months. Sympathetic to my plight, my Mother bought me an electric blanket. I switched it on and the handbag that I'd left sitting on the bed was engulfed by steam, like a Christmas pudding. This was immediately followed by a bang, a flash and the entire street being plunged into darkness.
The rest of the house was fitted to the same luxurious standard. The oven was an early 1920's design draft oven which, although cutting edge in its day was by then a death trap which blew out the least puff of wind Once the flame was extinguished it had no safety cut out switch on the gas. One day I returned to find the landlady's stupefied cat draped over the telephone table in the hallway like a fur stole and he was three floors down from my flat. Quite honestly, if anyone had lit a match within a three mile radius you would have been able to see us from outer space.
The bath had an immersion heater that was intended for a hand basin and it trickled three fingers depth of tepid water into a cast iron bath colder than Antarctica. It was right next to Dudley zoo and one night a keeper came looking for an escaped boa constrictor and I didn't sleep for a month....
The rest of the house was fitted to the same luxurious standard. The oven was an early 1920's design draft oven which, although cutting edge in its day was by then a death trap which blew out the least puff of wind Once the flame was extinguished it had no safety cut out switch on the gas. One day I returned to find the landlady's stupefied cat draped over the telephone table in the hallway like a fur stole and he was three floors down from my flat. Quite honestly, if anyone had lit a match within a three mile radius you would have been able to see us from outer space.
The bath had an immersion heater that was intended for a hand basin and it trickled three fingers depth of tepid water into a cast iron bath colder than Antarctica. It was right next to Dudley zoo and one night a keeper came looking for an escaped boa constrictor and I didn't sleep for a month....
"Mum sorry to butt in," Ria says, "I'd love to stay and chat but I'm popping out with Ella and some friends for cocktails in a minute to celebrate the exam results and I just wondered, can I wash cashmere or does it have to go to the dry cleaners?"
There's shouting in the background which turns out to be Ella from her en-suite shower.
"Oh and Mum, Ella's asking if there's any chance you could, please, please send her some goose down pillows as soon as possible as the foam ones they give you in our Hall's of Residence are giving her neck ache."
Ain't life grand?
There's shouting in the background which turns out to be Ella from her en-suite shower.
"Oh and Mum, Ella's asking if there's any chance you could, please, please send her some goose down pillows as soon as possible as the foam ones they give you in our Hall's of Residence are giving her neck ache."
Ain't life grand?
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