Monday, 21 March 2011

Where my inner thighs jiggle like a trifle on a trampoline, not like Nigella's cheesecake.

"Why are we doing this?" I asked  Bee this  morning at the gym.
"So we don't turn into fossils," She says panting beside me.
"Yes, yes, health's one thing,"  I said puffing away on the bicycle "but it's not as if we'll be exposing any of this flesh is it?"
"Not at this time of the year in Northumberland."
"But even abroad, we could be fantastically toned, have no bingo wings and a six pack like corrugated cardboard and still raise eyebrows if we stepped out by the hotel pool in a bikini."
"True, when you're young you can show off your hard work but now I feel indecently exposed in a short sleeveled tee shirt."
"Exactly, even if we develop thighs that could scale a coconut tree without us using our hands, no one wants to see them anyway. If I put on a mini skirt I'd  be put on the 'crimes against style most wanted list' and get 25 years from fashion police.
"Unless you're Madonna," Bee says, "she seems to get away with it."
"Only because she can afford super duper expensive lawyer and newspapers are afraid of being sued." I huff,
"I just wish this keep fit malarkey was more exciting."
"I'm slogging away on this treadmill and it seems to me there's cookery programmes on every channel." Bee says nodding at her screen.
"I know, its' like some sadistic foodie plot."
"Nigella was just making peanut butter cheesecake at 1,000 calories a whiff and now all I can think of is getting to the cafe for a slab of cake."  Bee says longingly, "Oh and by the way, Nigella says she knows her cheesecake's set when it has a slight inner thigh jiggle."
"She obviously hasn't seen my inner thighs then, they jiggle like a trifle on a trampoline."
"That's  it," Bee says with relief as her timer goes off, "that was sooooo boring."
"Well Ladies," says Dr. Purvis (AKA Dr. Perverse) coming alongside Bee's treadmill like a fully laden tugboat to a pier, "You know what they say, if you're bored with your life you should try something new."  He winks at us theatrically.
"Eeeew," says Bee. "Definitely time for the caff, I'd say."

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