Where I screw wallpaper into large ball & throw out of Velux window.

You may remember that yesterday I was completing an application for a job to write for websites in America. I had to produce a sample of  simple instructions to complete a task.  As promised here's my entry, including many helpful hints and tips on how to achieve that 'professional' finish.

How to Wallpaper a Ceiling
1. Cut paper to size, adding on at least 50cm on each end.

Tip: This will allow for any slight mistakes in measurements and therefore avoid rows when The Husband, bossy mother in law, know it all brother or nosy neighbour says "might it have been better to hire a professional painter and decorator, do you think?"
2.Slap paste on back of paper (side without pattern) and make into a concertina by placing glued sides together, leave for ten minutes to allow to become pliable.

Tip: If you return to find paper has set solid like corrugated cardboard do not attempt  to separate as second coming of the dinosaurs will be faster. Hide rejects in black plastic sack and begin again with step 1.

3. Put pleated paper over one arm and using step ladders, start at one side of the ceiling, attach end of paper by using soft brush with your other hand and work way across, moving step ladders as you go with your third hand.

Tip: If your reach far side and paper on first side is falling off then return to first side and prop up with broom wedged in between two dining chairs, balanced on the back of sofa. If far side is now doing same, repeat this tip.

4. Realise that as there are one or two minor miscalculations, you will require more paper. Send The Husband or other annoying bystander to DIY shop for more supplies.

Tip: While they're gone, take opportunity to sneakily remove glue from your hair, carpet, sofa, TV, Bird's cages and residents if necessary, have 16th tea break and eat cake as night draws in.

5. Carry on as before, repeating steps 1-3

6. If paper falls off on head, slap on so much glue feet stick to ladders and you can't get off. Leave shoes there until later.

Tip: When The Husband says "how come you've been going five hours and you haven't done tenth of ceiling yet?" get huffy, make comments about how long it took Michaelangelo and point out he had scaffolding, helpers and was being paid a fortune by The Pope.

7. Rip paper down and screw into large ball, throw out of Velux window.

8. Answer telephone, apologise to Mrs Jones next door for Spot's concussion and agree to pay vets bills

9. Drink whole bottle of Pinot Grigio through a straw when you find you cannot stop looking at ceiling as neck has seized. Ring physiotherapist to sort out compacted vertebra, then painter and decorator, upholstery and carpet cleaning company and Marriage Guidance Counsellor.
Tip: If in a hurry go straight to step 9.

"That oughta do it," I told The Husband as I printed it off and gave him a copy before pressing 'send.'
Keep your fingers crossed dear reader, if in the meantime you are contemplating a spot of home decorating and would like to print or download this guide, please be my guest. Let me know how you get on.